Red Hot Mama: How My Uncle Got His Groove Back

In January last year, my aunt lost a three-year battle with pancreatic cancer. She fought hard, and her care team did its best to help her beat this terrible disease, but she finally succumbed.

My uncle, my mother’s brother, was devastated. He and his wife would have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary last July. He found himself at loose ends, complaining that the house was “too quiet” and “empty” without her.

He did, however, take the time, finally, to take care of his own health. First, he had to undergo a much overdue colonoscopy to ensure that the stomach cancer he survived several years ago had not come back. Then he had surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff.

Designated driver

As my uncle had to be sedated for both procedures, he knew he wouldn’t be able to or allowed to drive himself home.  Since I work from home and am no longer responsible for carpool and day care drop offs and pick ups, he asked me if I could drive him home after each procedure.  When I asked him how he planned on getting to each appointment, he assured me that he could just take Uber.   That seemed reasonable to me, and I agreed to be his designated driver.

The first procedure, a colonoscopy, was very straightforward. The doctor found no evidence of cancer. In fact, by the time my uncle walked out of the recovery area, he was feeling so good that we had to stop at Nielsen’s Deli, located just up the street from the outpatient surgery center, to pick him up a roast beef sandwich and a Coke, as he had not eaten after midnight the previous evening.

His second procedure, surgery to repair a torn rotary cuff in the left shoulder, was a different story altogether.  As it would be an especially extensive and painful surgery, I knew my uncle would be on pain medication for at least a few days and, therefore, would need needed someone to stay with him for a few days until he was off the pain medication and could drive and take care of himself.  I agreed to be both designated driver and temporary caregiver.

Let’s do lunch!

Three days after the surgery, my uncle was feeling pretty good, so  I asked him if he wanted to get out of the house and grab some lunch. He said yes, so off we went.

My uncle was craving Tex-Mex and suggested a place near his home. On the way, I realized that one of my favorite places, Molina’s Cantina, was closer, so that’s where we went. It turned out to be a great choice, but not for the reason you might suspect. My uncle ended up with more than lunch – he also bought a car!

When we arrived at Molina’s, I parked my SUV and walked around to the passenger side to help my uncle out of his seat. It was then that I noticed a mint condition vintage red Triumph TR4 convertible across the lot. (I love sports cars; in fact, when my daughter was in middle school, I drove a 2005 red BMW Z-4 coupe, which I still miss very much. But that’s another story.)

The Triumph’s top was down, showcasing its rich black leather interior. It had been washed recently, and its paint shone in the sunlight. I also noticed that the front license plate had been replaced with a vanity plate for The Citadel.

Love at first sight

“Look at that beautiful car!” I said to my uncle.

My uncle turned, looked at the car, and said, “That’s the exact same car your father was driving the night he asked your mother to marry him.”

“Really? How cool is that?” I exclaimed.

I had often heard the story of how my father had wrecked his sports car on the way to ask my mother to marry him. My father, an F-8 Crusader pilot, literally drove off a bridge that night, totaling the car as well as his knee. The small town where my grandparents lived did not have an ambulance, so the local funeral home sent its hearse to take my father to the hospital in nearby Corpus Christi. Doctors there discovered that he had shattered his kneecap. Apparently it was worth it, though, because my mother agreed to marry him! And, fortunately, the Marine Corps allowed him to continue to fly.

My uncle started back towards the entrance to the restaurant while I snapped some photos of the car with my iPhone (one is at the top of this post). Then I went on into the restaurant, where we were quickly seated. As it was late in the afternoon, the restaurant was empty except for the two of us. When the server came to take our drink order, I asked him to bring me a Diet Coke and to bring my uncle a margarita made with the bar’s best tequila.

“He’s had a rough time of it,” I told the server over my uncle’s objections. “He deserves it.”

The server smiled and left for the bar. My uncle and I perused the menu and snacked on chips and salsa while we waited for our drinks.

When the server returned, he explained that the bartender suggested that, rather than wasting fine tequila on a margarita, my uncle order a regular margarita and a separate shot of the bar’s best tequila. We agreed to that. Before the server left, my uncle asked if he could also have a glass of iced tea. Seriously. I have the photos.

The server quickly returned with our drinks and took our order.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her

While we waited for our lunch to arrive, my uncle sipped his tequila and stared over my shoulder through the restaurant’s plate glass windows at the little red sports car.  I made small talk, but he was too distracted by the vision of the  Triumph to really pay attention to me or his food when it arrived.

“You know what your problem is?” my uncle asked.

“I have several.  Which one are you referring to?” I replied jokingly.

“You don’t know how to hot wire a car.”

“That’s true,” I said.  “However, I’ve never really needed that skill in my line of work.”

“I wonder who that car belongs to?” My uncle pondered, still gazing longingly through the window at the object of his desire.

“We could ask the server,” I replied.

Seeming not to hear me, my uncle said, “I wonder if the owner would be interested in selling it to me?”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out,” I replied. “We need to find out who owns the car and then we can ask the owner about it.”

That got his attention.

When the server returned to check on us, I asked him if he knew whether or not the owner of the red convertible parked out front was a customer in the restaurant or its bar. The server didn’t know but agreed to ask the hostess and the bartender.

When he returned with the bill for our lunch, the server told us that no one knew who owned the car.

“Oh, well,” my uncle said, much like Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh. “I guess we’ll never know.”

I took that as a challenge.

I take matters into my own hands, literally

“I tell you what,” I replied. “I’ll write a note with my name, cell phone number, and email address and leave it on the windshield under one of the wipers. That way, if the owner is interested in selling, he or she can contact me. ”

My uncle thought it was a long shot, but I was determined.

I pulled out my credit card and placed it in the folder the server had provided with the tab. Then I rummaged through my purse for a piece of paper, finally tearing a deposit clip in half and scribbling a note on it with a pen.

“Stay put!” I told my uncle before walking outside to place the note on the car.

I carefully lifted one of the car’s windshield wipers and placed the note under it. I turned to walk back into the restaurant. I had taken only a few steps when I heard a man call out to me.

“Excuse me, ma’am.  Do you want to buy that car?” he asked.

I stopped dead in my tracks.  I turned to my right; the voice had come from a man seated with two friends at a table on the restaurant’s palm frond roofed patio bar.  He was waving at me to get my attention.

“I don’t, “ I replied, “but I know someone who might be interested. How much do you want for it?”

“Oh, it’s not my car. It’s his,” the man replied with a grin, pointing to one of his two companions at the table.

I walked over to the group; the men were the only people seated outside. This was not surprising, as it was about 3:30pm in the afternoon.

I introduced myself and then had a brief conversation with the car’s owner, a young handsome man with short blonde hair and blue eyes. He explained that the other two gentlemen were his business clients and asked if he could join me and my party in the restaurant once he cleared his bar tab. I agreed and hurried back inside to my uncle.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Well, I found the owner of the car. He is sitting outside on the patio with two of his clients. I told him you might be interested in buying his car.  He’ll be here in a minute to talk to you.”

My uncle shook his head in disbelief.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the owner of the car walked over. He introduced himself to my uncle, pulled out a chair, and sat down at our table.

My uncle asked, “What model year is your Triumph?

“It’s a 1963 TR4A,” the owner replied.

“That’s what I thought,” my uncle said. “My niece’s father had the exact same car. He used to let me wash it for him. I was twelve and thought it was the greatest car ever. Sadly, my brother-in-law totaled the car one night on the way to ask my sister to marry him.”

The owner thought that was a great story.

My uncle added, “Sadly, he died a few months after they were married. He was a Marine fighter pilot. His plane crashed in bad weather just outside Barksdale AFB in Louisiana. I accompanied my sister to Arlington National Cemetery for the burial “

“That’s terrible,” the owner said.

“Yes, it was,” my uncle replied. “So, my niece here tells me that you are interested in selling your car.”

“Yes,” the owner replied. “I have made the decision to sell it. I want to buy something larger and newer, like a Porsche.  I’ve been pulled over twice recently by the Houston Police Department while driving with my two young children in the back seat.  The police consider it is unsafe for me to do that.”

“How much do you want for it?” my uncle inquired.

The owner provided an asking price, adding that the car had been completely refurbished. In fact, he had just recently replaced all of the leather upholstery and interior trim.

My uncle pondered the price for a moment and then named a counter offer.

The owner thought about it before explaining that the price he had named was pretty firm; a member of the Houston Triumph Club had made him an offer just a few days before we met.

“I would really like to sell you the car, however,” he continued, “because I think you will take good care of it and love it as much as I do. Maybe we can work something out.”

It was my turn to interject.

“I noticed The Citadel vanity plate on the front of your car, and I see you are wearing a Citadel ring,” I said. “Back in 1995 while attending an NEH Summer Institute at the University of Montana, I met someone who taught Military History at The Citadel. I can’t recall his last name, but we all knew him as ‘Mel B.’ Did you know a professor by that name when you attended?”

“Yes! I do remember him,” the owner replied, adding, “It’s a small world!”

We chatted a little while longer before the owner handed my uncle a business card with his contact information.

“I’ll give you a call in a day or two,” my uncle said, “and we can set up a time for my mechanic to check out the engine, etc.”

“Sounds good to me,” the owner said before shaking each of our hands and getting up from the table.

Once the man had left the restaurant, my uncle turned to me and said, “Your aunt would really want me to have that car.”

“Oh, I agree,” I replied. “I think it would be a great way for you to get out and meet people, too, since he said the Houston Triumph Club holds regular breakfast meetings.”

We talked some more about personal financial issues. I won’t recount any more of the conversation out of respect for my uncle’s privacy; suffice it to say that my uncle could afford it.

I walked my uncle back to my car and got him settled before taking him back to his house. I packed up my things and returned home, but not before insisting that my uncle call me any time, day or night, if he needed help.

Red Hot Mama 

A few days later, my uncle called to let me know that he had bought the car.

“I’m so happy for you!” I exclaimed. “Do you have it at the house now?”

“Yes,” he replied. “The mechanic checked out the car.  It needed a minor repair, so it took a few days to complete the transaction. I drove up to the owner’s house in north Houston with Bruno (my uncle’s 8 year old black Labrador Retriever) and took him for a quick ride around the block before gave the owner a check and had the car loaded onto the tow truck for transport to my house.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to going for a ride myself,” I said.

“Just let me know when you’re available,” my uncle replied.

“Did you give it a name yet?” I asked.

“Yes – Red Hot Mama,” he said.

“I like it!” I replied. “Again, I’m so happy that I took you to lunch that day and helped connect you with the owner.”

I was just delighted. I could hear the difference in my uncle’s voice. He sounded better than he had in months.

My uncle got his groove back

Buying that car marked a turning point for my uncle. He soon met a lovely woman who had lost her husband to cancer seven years earlier; they have been dating for over a year now. My uncle regularly posts photos of the good times he has enjoyed with Red Hot Mama, too:  pictures of Bruno “riding shotgun,” the grandchildren’s first ride to the snow cone stand a few blocks from his home, his first breakfast with the Houston Triumph Club, and his first road trip with his newfound friends.

Red Hot Mama definitely helped my uncle get his groove back, but he won’t meet me for lunch anymore because he says it cost him too much money the last time, even though I picked up the tab for lunch.   Sooner or later, we’ll get around to that ride.  I’m looking forward to it!

 

A Good Man Is Hard to Find

 My daughter called home in a panic over Memorial Day weekend. Her car wouldn’t start, and she was stranded up in the Texas Hill Country five hours from home. My husband’s first thought was to jump in his car and drive to her rescue. I calmly reminded him that we have roadside assistance through our auto insurance company, so it really wasn’t necessary for him to go anywhere.

After calling and verifying that someone from roadside assistance was indeed available and could be at our daughter’s location in about 20 minutes, my humbled spouse called our daughter back to let her know that help was on its way. Everything worked out for the best, and she was back at her job as a summer camp counselor about an hour later.

Déjà vu

 Her situation brought to mind a memory of a similar experience I had back in 1989 when I was working as a summer counselor for the same camp.

Every counselor is allowed specific afternoons and evenings off from the camp’s grounds to go into town and grab something to eat; to do laundry at the local washateria, The Soap Opera; and to blow off steam. If you work both summer terms, you are allowed to take an entire 24 hours off during each of the four-week terms. Your “24” is like a micro-R&R. If you plan right, you can make it into San Antonio or Austin meet up with friends, have some fun, and spend the night in something other than a twin bunk bed.

In 1989, I was dating my future husband. For my “24,” I made plans to meet him in Austin and do some sight seeing. Although I am a native Texan, I had never toured the state capitol and thought it would be fun to do that.

After spending the night in Austin, I drove to the capitol building with my then boyfriend. We marveled at the architecture of the capitol dome, walked the halls, viewed the various artifacts on display, and acted like tourists. Then we headed to a local Tex-Mex establishment, Chuy’s.

Back then, only one Chuy’s existed. It’s still there, and the food and margaritas are still awesome. The restaurant is actually an old house. Its exterior is painted in pastel colors. When you walk in, you’re greeted by a shrine to Elvis. The floors are multicolored linoleum tiles, the tables and vinyl booths are straight out of the 1950s, and garish, hand-painted fish hang from the ceiling in every room.

Beware the Banditos!

After we were seated, we ordered margaritas and an appetizer called Banditos – deep fried jalapeno peppers stuffed with cheese – and proceeded to peruse the menu.

For some reason – probably the strength of the margaritas – I couldn’t help but laugh at the name. When I graduated from college in 1986, I traveled to the Club Med resort at Playa Blanca. When I booked my travel arrangements, I was warned that I would most likely not be able to get a taxi to take me from the Puerto Vallarta airport to the resort because of several recent attacks on tourists by Mexican banditos. (Ultimately, I was met at the airport by a Club Med employee, placed on an old, rickety school bus, and driven to the resort – two hours away – alone in the dark. But that’s another story.)

I truly thought that the Club Med agent was pulling my leg. All I could think about was the old Fritos jingle, which was sung by a dancing cartoon bandito; of course, I had to sing it aloud for boyfriend!

Ai, Yi, Yi, Yi

I am the Frito Bandito

 I like Fritos corn chips

 I love them I do

I want Fritos corn chips

I’ll get them from you!

Ai, Yi, Yi, Yi

Oh I am the Frito Bandito

Give me Fritos corn chips           

And I’ll be your friend

The Frito Bandito you must not offend.

“Now, boys and girls,” he said, “you are Frito Banditos, too!”

Yes, I am well aware that this type of information is taking up space in my brain that I could use for more important things like my husband’s cell phone number.  And, today, I would never dream of singing the Frito Bandito jingle for fear of offending someone.   But that was then, and it’s safe to say my  judgment was a little impaired at the time.

Time to Go

An enchilada and a taco later, we left the restaurant. My boyfriend had picked me up at my hotel in his car, so he had to drive me back to my hotel so I could pick up my mini Toyota pick up truck (it really did look like a toy) and drive back to camp.

I was running late, so I didn’t stop to buy gas on the way out of Austin. I figured I had enough fuel to last me the two-hour drive back to Kerrville. I have never been very good with math.  My estimate was wrong:   I ran out of gas somewhere between Fredericksburg and Kerrville.

Uh-Oh

I did manage to make it to a lonely CITGO station on the side of the road. I pulled up to the pumps, relieved to find that the station was open and had an attendant on duty (this was well before the days when you could just slide your credit or debit card at the pump and pay without human assistance). I reached into my purse to get my wallet and my CITGO card only to discover that my wallet was gone!

It was at that moment that my formerly wonderful day turned to dog poop.

After my initial panic subsided, I remembered that I had taken my wallet out of my purse and placed it into the glove compartment of my boyfriend’s car before heading into the state capitol building. Yes, I realize now that it was a stupid thing to do, and for the life of me, I cannot recall why I thought someone would mug me while I was inside with my boyfriend, who is 6’ 7”.

I did, however, have $5 worth of postage stamps in my bag.

“Great!” I thought to myself. “I’ll barter these for $5 in gas. That will be enough to get me back to camp. I can then borrow some money for additional gas from a fellow counselor and fill up on my next afternoon off!”

And That’s How I Met Curtis Green

 I got out of my truck and went inside the station. I explained my situation to the attendant. He told me that he couldn’t trade gasoline for postage stamps. He would, however, be happy to loan me enough money to put enough gas in my tank to get back to Kerrville.

I was so grateful! I thanked him profusely for his kindness and then asked, “Could I also borrow 50 cents for a can of Sprite? (This was an old fashioned gas station, which sold paper road maps, engine belts, and oil. It was not fully stocked like the gas stations of today.)

The gentleman (he truly was a gentleman) said, “Yes, of course!” before handing me some change for the Coke machine.

I asked him to write down his name and address on a piece of paper and promised him that I would send him the money within a week. He said he wasn’t worried about it and sent me on my way.

I still remember his name: Curtis Green.

Safe and Sound

I finally got back to camp. I was late, and the Camp Director was standing outside in front of the dining hall waiting for me. I explained what had happened and why I had not been able to call and let everyone know I was on my way. I knew I was in trouble.

“That’s a great story,” she said. “I tell you what – I won’t dock you any time off for being late, but you have to stand up and tell everyone in the dining hall what happened to you after dinner.”

“That sounds fair,” I replied, before heading into the dining hall.

Fortunately, one of the divisions was out on its assigned overnight activity, so the entire camp wasn’t there to hear my story, saving me some embarrassment.  But camp being camp, the story got around.

Later that night, I was able to use the pay phone in the Counselor’s Lounge (this was well before the advent of cell phones) to call my boyfriend collect and explain what had happened. He promised to send me my wallet the next day.

My Care Package Arrives

A few days later, I received an enormous box emblazoned with a Dos Equis logo – it was obviously from a liquor store. Nothing at all embarrassing about that, right?

Inside, I found a virtual treasure trove. My boyfriend had mailed me my wallet along with enough Jolly Rancher candy and other junk food to keep all of the counseling staff on a sugar high for a week! He had also enclosed a handwritten letter, which I still have today. On the back of the envelope, he had written the following message: “Jerry Jeff Walker said he would quit drinking until the Ayatolla died. No one has seen Jerry Jeff for a week.”

This was all news to me. We didn’t have the Internet, laptops, or cell phones back then, and there were no televisions or radios on camp. It had been this way since I was a camper. I still remember standing on the front lawn with my parents, my fellow campers, and their parents as we listened to Richard Nixon give his resignation speech to the nation over the camp’s PA system – it was August 8, 1974. The parents were there to take us all home.

I don’t know if the Jerry Jeff Walker anecdote is true, but it was very funny to all of us at the time.

I Made Good On My Promise

On my next afternoon off, my friend and I went into town, where we bought Pop Tarts and picked up a $5 money order, which I mailed to Curtis Green at the address he had provided.

I never heard from Mr. Green again, but Houston is the world’s biggest small town. The last time I told this story at a party, one of the women listening said, “I know Curtis Green! He’s my cousin.”

So, you see, a good man isn’t that hard to find after all.

Cat Poop on the Roof

Cat Poop on the Roof – a true story

Back when I was in college, a friend told me, “If you want to know whether you can handle being a relationship, get a cat. If you want to know whether you can handle being a parent, get a dog.” I had a cat at the time; the husband and the child came later. I have to say, however, that neither my husband or my child has ever pooped on the roof.

Several months ago, I was looking out the big plate glass windows across the back of our house and noticed something odd in valleys of the roof where the garage roof meets the breezeway roof. It looked like someone had thrown rocks onto the roof. Now, we have decorative rocks in the flowerbed across the back fence of our home, but I have never seen and couldn’t imagine a situation in which someone would choose to hurl them onto the roof.

I called my husband over and asked him to take a look.

“Yep, we’ve got rocks on the roof,” he said, nonplussed. “So what?”

“Well, I don’t think those are rocks,” I replied.

Determined to solve the mystery, I retrieved the pair of binoculars we sometimes take to football games and took a second look.

Sure enough, the items on the roof were not igneous in nature. They were pieces of fossilized cat poop.

Horrified, I went around the garage to the driveway to see if the poop was visible from the street. It was.

Now the dilemma. How, exactly, does one go about getting cat poop off his or her roof?

Years and years ago (and I’m talking about the time when dinosaurs walked the earth), my friends and I would climb the fence in the backyard of my parents’ house and climb onto the roof. Sitting on the roof was cool. This, of course, was before the Internet and video games were invented.

I have six knee surgeries under my belt. My husband (wisely so) has forbidden that I climb on as much as a stepstool lest I fall and break a hip. At 6’7”, my husband’s center of gravity makes climbing on anything higher than a step stool equally as dangerous, so climbing up on to the roof ourselves was a non-starter.

And so, for several days, I stewed about the problem. I hoped for a huge downpour, thinking that it might wash the waste away. Then I had a great idea: ask the yard service to assign someone to climb up on the roof and use the yard blower to clear the mess away. The yard service we use cleans our gutters this way about once a year for an extra fee, so the request wasn’t that much out of the ordinary. Believe me, I was willing to pay an additional service fee to have someone help me with the problem.

The following week, I asked the foreman if this was an option.

“Sure. No problem,” he said. “I’ll take care of it right now.”

Pleased with my ingenuity and problem solving skills (and breathing a huge sigh of relief), I returned to my computer and went back to work, which is, after all, what I am supposed to be doing during the day instead of gazing at my navel or, in this case, cat poop.

Later that afternoon, I looked out the windows at my now pristine roof as I walked to the kitchen to get a fresh glass of iced tea.

The poop was gone! Hooray!

Or so I thought.

Are you familiar with the saying, “Not in my backyard?”

Well, guess what. The cat poop was now in my backyard. That presented a new problem because most of the area is taken up by a 40,000-gallon swimming pool.

Yes, dear reader, I experienced a horror similar to that of the snooty country club matrons and their children in Caddyshack when a Baby Ruth bar in the deep end is mistaken for a turd.

But those weren’t Baby Ruth minis in my pool.

Ugh.

I had exchanged one problem for another.

Fortunately, I could solve this problem.   All I had to do was skim out what poop I could, vacuum the pool, and shock the pool. Easy, right?

I have to admit that I considered draining the pool a la Caddyshack and donning a HAZMAT suit before disinfecting it with the strongest chemicals I could buy legally, but my husband said that would be too expensive.

So I settled for cleaning and shocking the pool. Twice.

This was very upsetting for the dog, a Labrador Retriever who loves to swim in the pool several times a day. The pool is usually only “closed” to her one day a week for cleaning, just like the community pool used to close one day a week each summer when we were kids.

It was then that I realized the root of the problem. The cat must have taken to pooping on the roof when we brought home our puppy (now dog). The backyard and all surrounding territory had previously been the cat’s sole domain, but the puppy changed all that.

I should also note that, in addition to this revelation, I also realized why the cat poop had looked fossilized through the binoculars on first glance. And, yes, I realized it must have been there for quite some time before I noticed.

I’m happy to say that, fortunately, the days of cat poop on the roof are behind us.

Nowadays, the cat prefers to use the very clean, always dry, and very private litter box provided for her in the utility room, the dog has learned a healthy respect for the cat, and I’m happy.

And, as the saying goes, “When Momma’s happy, everybody’s happy.”

The End.